B-iz-Log

Cell De-Evolution

Let’s face it: Most technology is pretty awesome.

Computers are getting smaller and faster. I like it that my laptop is better than most PCs from 5 years ago and yet it’s smaller than a textbook. That’s badass. Cars are becoming more efficient. Cameras are taking higher-quality photos. Life is good.

Then come cell phones. Hey Nokia: Fuck you. Hey LG, Motorola: Fuck you. Hey T-Mobil, AT&T, and Blackberry: Fuck you and die. For those worried about what that cryptic statement means, I can better illustrate.

My first cell phone(back when) was a Nokia 8260. It was smaller than most phones on the market today. It had easy keys that I could press without even looking at them. It had battery talk time OUT THE ASS. I talked into it, and my friends heard me. My friends talked into their cell phones, and I heard them. The air was cleaner and the girls were better looking. Remember those days? Now that I have reminded you of how good you had it… doesn’t it make you long for that once more?

So it is once again upgrade time. My choice of phones makes me want to get herpes, pop the blisters into a saucepan, and serve it to children. Smartphones have keys that are a QUARTER of the size of my pinky nail. How can I type on that? My fingers are small, but not CHILDISH. Why would little 13yr old anorexic girls even NEED smartphones? The smartphones are about as smart as an anorexic 13yr old girl, too. One who’s anorexia has prevented proper nutrition to the brain and has caused cell damage.

Then there’s the LG Shine. It has a flat little joystick on it that DOESN’T WORK. Why would I pay extra to struggle through my address book?
“Hey guys. Instead of just having up and down buttons, lets make a joystick.”
“Oh, but phones already have those.”
“Fine. Let’s make it flat. Flat, and BROKEN.”
“Good Idea!”
How the hell did something like this make it past testing? Wasn’t there a little checkbox for “Joystick not working?”

Last but not least are the fucking touch-screen phones. Until you invent a fingerprint-proof screen, your touch-screens can go fuck themselves. I LIKE buttons. I can feel them with my thumb. Not EVERYTHING needs to be a “little game.” I don’t want to have to AIM with my fingers at a touch screen.

“Hurr Hurr, but my phone can take 2-MegaPixel photos!”
Yeah, but they look like shit, and I own a real camera.

The best phones out there are the 8801, which is pretty much a titanium-encased version of the 8260 I had when I was a child. That’s right. The nicest phone out there is just a metal version of the old shitty phones. You are paying more money just to have something that hasn’t been fucked by “future-thinkers.”

I hope the inventors of these phones fall asleep next to them while they’re on and get their heads over-heated.